Lots of males think I am a man hater. They think I have no use for the male population. But that’s really not true. I happen to love men. In fact, I am jealous of the fact that a sprinkling of testosterone makes such a huge difference in the way a man looks at the world, as opposed to the way a woman sees it.
The genders are as different as night and day, as different as Big Lots and Macy’s. That’s what I like to make fun of. Unfortunately, men occasionally do a lot more humor-worthy stuff than women do. But to clear my name as a dragon woman, I will tell some awful truths today about my own gender and our evil ways.
Myth: Women are natural nurturers and peacekeepers.
Fact: Women are moody. That means we can be dangerous. If we are honked off at you, don’t expect cuddly stuff. And peacekeeper? Forget it, buddy. If you have hurt us enough, we might just file for divorce on our lunch hour.
Myth: Women are fulfilled by cooking for and cleaning up after their men.
Fact: Most women are not excited about being a man’s maid. If you don’t show appreciation for what your woman does for you, sleep with one eye open.
Myth: Women are forgiving.
Fact: Nope. We are vengeful. We are also the queens of photographic memory. We will beat you to death with every single time you ever acted like a moron. We are the most unforgiving creatures on the planet.
Myth: Women appreciate a man who takes charge.
Fact: Today’s woman will kick your knees off for trying to tell her what to do. And much of the time, she secretly believes she is smarter than you.
Myth: Women love for their men to enjoy a stress-free day in front of the TV.
Fact: She fantasizes about throwing the coffee table through that big-as-the-garage-door TV.
Myth: Women love to be close to their men. Sharing a bathroom, for example, makes her happy.
Fact: She wants you to pee in the yard and shave with the use of the water hose and a hand mirror.
Myth: There is a time in every woman’s life when she calms down and accepts how she looks.
Fact: Wrong again. A woman will develop bulimia in her 70s if she is thinking about dating.
Myth: Women are docile. They don’t hurt others on purpose.
Fact: An angry woman will drown you in a spoon of water if you have damaged her heart deeply enough. And then she will take photos of the crime scene and send them to her girlfriends.
Myth: Women understand that men just like to do some harmless flirting.
Fact: Women will declare war on a man for acting like an old dog in heat. The punishment will likely begin with your credit card and a marathon shopping spree.
Myth: Women are much more reasonable than men.
Fact: Women can be downright psychotic.
Sherri Coner, a longtime humor columnist and former Southsider, resides in southwest Florida. To learn more about her books and blog, visit www.sherriconer.com.
The genders are as different as night and day, as different as Big Lots and Macy’s. That’s what I like to make fun of. Unfortunately, men occasionally do a lot more humor-worthy stuff than women do. But to clear my name as a dragon woman, I will tell some awful truths today about my own gender and our evil ways.
Myth: Women are natural nurturers and peacekeepers.
Fact: Women are moody. That means we can be dangerous. If we are honked off at you, don’t expect cuddly stuff. And peacekeeper? Forget it, buddy. If you have hurt us enough, we might just file for divorce on our lunch hour.
Myth: Women are fulfilled by cooking for and cleaning up after their men.
Fact: Most women are not excited about being a man’s maid. If you don’t show appreciation for what your woman does for you, sleep with one eye open.
Myth: Women are forgiving.
Fact: Nope. We are vengeful. We are also the queens of photographic memory. We will beat you to death with every single time you ever acted like a moron. We are the most unforgiving creatures on the planet.
Myth: Women appreciate a man who takes charge.
Fact: Today’s woman will kick your knees off for trying to tell her what to do. And much of the time, she secretly believes she is smarter than you.
Myth: Women love for their men to enjoy a stress-free day in front of the TV.
Fact: She fantasizes about throwing the coffee table through that big-as-the-garage-door TV.
Myth: Women love to be close to their men. Sharing a bathroom, for example, makes her happy.
Fact: She wants you to pee in the yard and shave with the use of the water hose and a hand mirror.
Myth: There is a time in every woman’s life when she calms down and accepts how she looks.
Fact: Wrong again. A woman will develop bulimia in her 70s if she is thinking about dating.
Myth: Women are docile. They don’t hurt others on purpose.
Fact: An angry woman will drown you in a spoon of water if you have damaged her heart deeply enough. And then she will take photos of the crime scene and send them to her girlfriends.
Myth: Women understand that men just like to do some harmless flirting.
Fact: Women will declare war on a man for acting like an old dog in heat. The punishment will likely begin with your credit card and a marathon shopping spree.
Myth: Women are much more reasonable than men.
Fact: Women can be downright psychotic.
Sherri Coner, a longtime humor columnist and former Southsider, resides in southwest Florida. To learn more about her books and blog, visit www.sherriconer.com.
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