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Bulletin Board

8/27/2014

Seniors Can Register for Golf Outing
Registration for Perry Senior Citizens Services’ golf outing for seniors on Sept. 24 at Winding River in under way. The cost is $30, which should be paid at the center, 6901 Derbyshire Road. Info: call 783-9231 or visit perryseniors.org.

Fish Fry and Yard Sale
Faith United Church of Christ, 4040 E. Thompson Road, is hosting its 22nd annual fish fry and yard sale from 11 a.m.-8 p.m. Friday and Saturday, Sept. 5 and 6. The menu will include fish and tenderloin sandwiches, hot dogs, baked beans, slaw, fries, beverages, fresh fruit and desserts.

Ave Maria Guild Seeking Items for Rummage Sale
The Ave Maria Guild is seeking such items as men’s, women’s and children’s clothing, shoes, purses, linens, household gadgets, books, toys and stuffed animals for its fall rummage sale, which will be held from 8:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Friday at St. Paul Hermitage, 501 N. 17th Ave., Beech Grove. Call Vicki at 888-7625 to make a donation.
Southport Farmers Market Open Tuesdays, Fridays
The Southport Farmers Market, located in the parking lot of Southport Antique Mall, 2028 E. Southport Road, is open from 9 a.m.-1 p.m. Tuesdays and 3-7 p.m. Fridays. A sampling of the vendors’ goods includes dairy products, baked goods, meats, jewelry, flowers, plants and soaps. People interested in booth space should call Nancy Miller at 431-3267 or email southfarmmarket@aol.com.

Manual’s Class of 1965 Is Planning Reunion
Manual High School’s Class of 1965 will celebrate its 50th reunion April 30, 2015, at Primo Banquet Hall & Conference Center. Alumni are asked to update their addresses and phone numbers by calling Sandy Drexler at 784-3455. Info: www.Manualclass1965.

An Evening of Music and Comedy
Greenwood comedian Tony Arquilla, who has performed in Chicago, San Francisco, Las Vegas and Atlanta, will take the stage at 7 p.m. Saturday at Sanctuary Community Church, 415 W. Smith Valley Road, Greenwood. The free program will also feature music from the Jon Sturm Family Band. Info: 603-3696.

Discussion on Kidney Disease
Dr. Ana Priscu, an endocrinologist, will discuss the kidney and diabetes connection when the Franciscan Alliance Renal Continuing Care Network hosts a discussion on kidney disease at 6 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 2, in the Terrace Conference Room at St. Francis Hospital, 8111 S. Emerson Ave. Info: 528-2008.

Police District Will Host Car Show
The Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department’s Northwest District will host its Cruisin’ With Cops Car Show on Saturday, Sept. 27, at Pike High School, 5401 W. 71st St. The cost to preregister is $15 before Monday, Sept. 1, $20 day of show. On-site registration will be held from 8-11 a.m., with judging and the presentation of awards to follow. There will also be a 50-50 drawing, cornhole, food, drinks and old police and race cars.

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Simply Sherri

8/27/2014

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I found a lizard in the washing machine the other day. And by the way, I'm not Jungle Jane. The way I see it, I might as well buy myself a new washer.

When I recently found a possum stuck in one of the trash cans, I viewed that as yet another very legitimate reason for a meltdown. But my neighbor disagreed. Instead of calling for back-up, he turned the trash can on its side and the possum waddled under my house, offering high-fives to his possum cousins.

What I see as a reason to freak out seems to make other people roll their eyes and yawn. If an experience makes me pee my pants, I throw it in my “this-is-an-emergency” pile. Other people might not be upset at all about the lizard lounging around in the washer. But if I tried to remove that little guy (which I never will), I would need CPR.

So I conducted a brief survey to better understand the definition of a crisis in lizard- and snake-infested Florida.
“What if you found a slimy salamander inside your washing machine?” I asked a friend.
“I'd gently toss him outside,” she answered.
“Excuse me, but I saw you hyperventilate when a frog landed on your foot. Remember?” I rolled my eyes.
“I was surprised, that’s all,” she argued. “I wasn’t afraid of the stupid frog.”
The sight of blood gets another friend’s attention. But unless it spurts, it isn’t a siren-worthy situation.
“I feel that way about vomit,” another friend said. “If someone is vomiting, I pay attention. But if they vomit blood, I’ll deliver an emergency-level response.”
“If they vomit on me, that is an emergency,” I sniffed. “I can’t stand vomit.”
“No one enjoys vomit,” she growled. “But if someone accidentally hurls in your direction, your life isn’t in danger.”
“Speak for yourself,” I said. “Obviously, you don’t dislike vomit as hysterically as I do. If someone puked on me, I’d start vomiting right along with them. And very likely faint, too.”
By the way, my poor culinary skills often bring kitchen disasters my way. One minute, I’m trying to bake brownies. The next minute, the oven fills the house with smoke and I’m feeling my way around to find the door.
“What if someone’s clothing caught fire?” I asked my friends. “Wouldn’t that be viewed as an emergency?”
“When did that happen to you?” one friend asked.
“I didn’t say it happened to me,” I sighed.
“You don’t have to,” she shrugged. “I know you.”
“Fine,” I snapped. “Yes, it was me. The front of my sweater caught fire while I stirred gravy on a gas stove.”
“What did you do?” She asked.
“I yanked it off and threw it in the sink,” I answered.
“Did your hair catch fire?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“Any burns?”
Again, I shook my head.
My friend smiled and shrugged. “Crisis averted.”
By the conclusion of my survey, I realized that I need a critter getter on speed dial. Just to be on the safe side, I should stop trying to cook. I stood up and grabbed my purse.
“Where are you going?” my friends asked.
“I need to borrow a husband in my neighborhood,” I said. “I need a he-man type, to handle my latest emergency. Free my washing machine lizard and bring peace back to my life.”

A former Southsider and an award-winning journalist and humor writer, Sherri Coner resides in southwest Florida. To learn about her books for women and to join her on Facebook, visit www.sherriconer.com. She also speaks to women’s groups. Email sherriconer.writer@gmail.com for more information.

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