A few days ago I was minding my own business. But my good day drizzled when an over-the-age-of-50 male began to flirt with me in the produce aisle.
By the way, he was a dead ringer for Homer Simpson.
“Nice melons,” he said.
“But they aren't ripe,” I said. “And so, they could be used as lethal weapons.”
“I like melons,” he said with a goofy grin.
“Really? Well I like guns,” I wanted to say. But didn't.
“You’re not wearing a wedding band,” he said.
“And you aren’t wearing a brain,” I wanted to say. But didn't. Because again, I was trying not to kick his crooked teeth out of his head.
“You have beautiful eyes. And I like your soft voice.”
“Well thanks, but I hate you,” I wanted to say.
Instead, I said nicely, “Please find someone else to aggravate.”
“You aren't interested?”
“Nope,” I shook my head. “Even if I was dog drunk or dead, I still wouldn't be interested.”
Just as I assumed the stance to Ninja-kick his head off his shoulders, the weirdo walked away.
That unfortunate incident reminded me of yet another difference between the genders. Someone has to tell the truth about it. OK? And the truth is that far too many men are psychotic enough to believe they never lose their “hotness.”
That is such a huge difference between the sexes.
Single women honestly study their own attributes. They wonder if a member of the opposite sex might enjoy their smile, wit and financial security. If they are overweight, they consider a pair of Spanx to sabotage the muffin top and control that big hind end. But only if this drastic measure allows enough oxygen to enter the body.
But single men?
No, they don't worry about whether a single woman will find them attractive. That thought never enters their minds. They just assume that they have found a new female to drag to the cave.
Even when they look five months pregnant with food stains on their shirts, older guys think they are sexy.
And well, it is past time to stomp all over that self-imposed sexiness.
First, I must announce that most of today’s women will not swoon over a hairy back, fuzzy ears and a big gut.
Second, if you are male and you think you look good in sweat pants, you need professional help. If you actually believe that you’re even more attractive by traveling commando in those sweats ... come over here and let me slap some sense into your empty head.
Women over 50 are no longer morons. We know there's more to life than cooking your dinner, washing your clothes and watching you slobber on couch pillows.
What can you bring to the table besides a big wet burp?
Sherri Coner, a longtime humor columnist and former Southsider, resides in southwest Florida. To learn more about her books and blog, visit www.sherriconer.com.
By the way, he was a dead ringer for Homer Simpson.
“Nice melons,” he said.
“But they aren't ripe,” I said. “And so, they could be used as lethal weapons.”
“I like melons,” he said with a goofy grin.
“Really? Well I like guns,” I wanted to say. But didn't.
“You’re not wearing a wedding band,” he said.
“And you aren’t wearing a brain,” I wanted to say. But didn't. Because again, I was trying not to kick his crooked teeth out of his head.
“You have beautiful eyes. And I like your soft voice.”
“Well thanks, but I hate you,” I wanted to say.
Instead, I said nicely, “Please find someone else to aggravate.”
“You aren't interested?”
“Nope,” I shook my head. “Even if I was dog drunk or dead, I still wouldn't be interested.”
Just as I assumed the stance to Ninja-kick his head off his shoulders, the weirdo walked away.
That unfortunate incident reminded me of yet another difference between the genders. Someone has to tell the truth about it. OK? And the truth is that far too many men are psychotic enough to believe they never lose their “hotness.”
That is such a huge difference between the sexes.
Single women honestly study their own attributes. They wonder if a member of the opposite sex might enjoy their smile, wit and financial security. If they are overweight, they consider a pair of Spanx to sabotage the muffin top and control that big hind end. But only if this drastic measure allows enough oxygen to enter the body.
But single men?
No, they don't worry about whether a single woman will find them attractive. That thought never enters their minds. They just assume that they have found a new female to drag to the cave.
Even when they look five months pregnant with food stains on their shirts, older guys think they are sexy.
And well, it is past time to stomp all over that self-imposed sexiness.
First, I must announce that most of today’s women will not swoon over a hairy back, fuzzy ears and a big gut.
Second, if you are male and you think you look good in sweat pants, you need professional help. If you actually believe that you’re even more attractive by traveling commando in those sweats ... come over here and let me slap some sense into your empty head.
Women over 50 are no longer morons. We know there's more to life than cooking your dinner, washing your clothes and watching you slobber on couch pillows.
What can you bring to the table besides a big wet burp?
Sherri Coner, a longtime humor columnist and former Southsider, resides in southwest Florida. To learn more about her books and blog, visit www.sherriconer.com.
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