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Simply Sherri

11/26/2014

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Every November while other women pluck weird spices from the grocery shelves, I spy on them from the shameful, everything-nukeable section of the store. I also fantasize that someday I will miraculously wake up one morning with amazing domestic skills. 

“I think I’ll make a souffle,” I’ll say. “I think I might just bake another seven-layer cake from scratch and sculpt something beautiful with icing.”


In these culinary dreams I envision myself just suddenly understanding how to saute instead of cremate. Kitchen drawers are filled with well-used, cool gadgets because I use them so much. I have pretty pots and pans with matching lids and all sizes of serving dishes since everyone begs to be invited to my fancy dinner parties.
When I’m not hallucinating, however, I just tell myself that I need to try harder than I did last year. Be more observant at the grocery store. Ask the right questions of the women standing by the spices. Pour all of my energy into everything culinary.

 
At some point during November, I punish myself even more by digging out my grandma’s recipe books. Then I make a big list of all that I’ll need but don’t have for the fabulous feast I talk myself into believing that I can prepare. 


I need a long list of important stuff, by the way, such as a turkey baster, spices other than salt, a pretty cloth tablecloth, napkin rings and enough forks for any guests brave enough to gather around my table. And oh yeah, I definitely need a couple of knives that will cut more than butter. I even imagine myself wearing a pretty apron over a beautiful dress with high heels and red lipstick. I imagine that I say things like, “Oh, stop. You’re embarrassing me with all the compliments.” And, “Darling, of course you are welcome to stop by anytime for a cooking lesson.” 


I imagine gently apologizing to Rachel Ray because I’m taking over her cooking show. 

 
But then reality hits. 


I have to face the fact that I gag when I remove that little bag of yucky stuff from a naked turkey’s body. I remember that I don’t own a meat thermometer. I don’t have a gravy ladle since I can’t make gravy. I cannot identify a giblet. I’m not having one thing to do with a turkey neck. I have anxiety attacks about all the baking I don’t know how to do. And the last time I even attempted to butter a bird, it bounced off the counter and rolled across the kitchen like a bowling ball. 


It’s a sad time of year for a female like me. No one ever asks me to share recipes, and they don’t call for my culinary expertise, either. They know I read the side of a box and that’s as far as this old gal goes with kitchen stuff. Thank goodness for my big, fat imagination. While I’m chewing frozen pizza tomorrow, I’ll daydream that it’s turkey and dressing. And I’ll count my blessings, too.  


A former Southsider and an award-winning journalist and humor writer, Sherri Coner resides in southwest Florida. To learn about her books for women and to join her on Facebook, visit www.sherriconer.com. She also speaks to women’s groups.     
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Holiday Bulletin Board Events

11/26/2014

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Craft and Bake Sale
Franklin Central Christian Church, 4100 S. Franklin Road, and its youth group are holding a craft and bake sale from 9 a.m.-2 p.m. Saturday, Nov. 29. The youth group will also operate a concession stand. Rental booth space is available. Info: Connie at 862-4107 or email clcrane@aol.com.

Booth Space Available for Craft and Bake Sale
Vendor tables are available for Santa’s Cookies & Crafts on Dec. 6 at Greenwood United Methodist Church, 525 N. Madison Ave., where Santa will make an appearance from 10 a.m.-11 a.m. The bazaar, which will feature homemade cookies for $4 a pound, cheese balls, sweet breads, fudge, other goodies and toys will run from 9 a.m.-noon. Info: 902-4632.

That Something Special Arts and Crafts Fair

Delta Theta Tau’s 39th annual That Something Special arts and crafts fair will be held from 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Saturday, at Beech Grove High School, 5330 Hornet Ave. The event will feature more than 135 booths full of handcrafted items. Food and beverages will be available. A $2 donation at the door will benefit local charities. 

Holiday Bazaar and Chili Luncheon at Holy Name

Holy Name Church’s Altar Society will hold its annual bazaar and chili luncheon from 12-4:30 p.m. (chili only served until 4 p.m.) Sunday, Dec. 7, at the Parish Life Center, 21 N. 16th St., Beech Grove. The sale will feature crafts and Christmas items, baked goods and about 35 exhibitors. Adults can eat for $6, kindergartners to 8-year-olds, $4; there is no charge for preschoolers. All meals include salad or applesauce, a beverage and a dessert.

Christmas Sale at Benedict Inn in Beech Grove
The “Inn-spired” Christmas sale at Benedict Inn Retreat & Conference Center, 1402 Southern Ave., Beech Grove, will be held from 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 13. The sale will feature Springerle cookies, religious items, some Sassy Design Jewelry for $5 and lots of items marked down to unbelievably low prices. Pictures will be available with Santa from 10 a.m.-noon for $5. Info: 788-7581.


Christmas Angels Program Needs Sponsors 
Christmas Angels, a United Way of Johnson County program, needs organizations and individuals who would like to sponsor families that cannot provide Christmas gifts for their children (up to age 17). Sponsors can decide how many families they would like to assist and how many children they are able to sponsor in each family. Info: 736-7840 or www.uwjc.org.

Festival of Trees at Indiana Historical Society
The Indiana Historical Society has been transformed into a winter wonderland for its inaugural Festival of Trees, which runs through Jan. 3. The exhibit showcases 25 Christmas trees, each decked out in a festive theme like “Home for the Holidays, “Night Before Christmas” and “Santa’s Workshop.” Santa is at the society, 450 W. Ohio St., on weekends, when film screenings, face painting and craft workshops are offered. Hours are 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Tuesdays through Saturdays and noon to 5 p.m. Sundays through New Year’s Day. There is no admission charge Dec. 6, 11 and 20. Info: www.indianahistory.org.



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