The Southsider Voice
Visit us at these places!
  • Home
  • News
    • Top Stories
    • Sports
    • Car Nutz
    • Stilley Goes Trackside
    • Southside Deaths
    • Personal Recollections
    • Reminiscing
  • About the Voice
  • Advertising
  • Contact
  • Newspaper Archive
  • Classifieds

Simply Sherri

7/16/2014

4 Comments

 
Picture
By Sherri Conor 

Adjusting to life in Florida is like a hazing. Every critter that could possibly take advantage of my nerve system is giving me a run for my money. 


Shortly after moving, I went to the beach to watch the sunset. And zillions of sand fleas infested my feet and ankles. I scratched off half of my epidermis and invested in every single anti-itch ointment, spray ... you name it. Believe me, I was not above snorting Benadryl.  


Just when I decided that amputating both legs was the only answer, the sand fleas moved on. 
I will just barely mention the day I sat down in the yard … right on top of a fire ant community. That’s also the day I stuffed the water hose down my pants because, well, I have no shame when it comes to those types of emergencies. 


When I started feeding squirrels in my backyard, the population jumped from three to 27. If I don’t lavish them with unsalted peanuts at the time they expect, the little dears turn into burglars. 


So far, the bandits have broken into the screened porch to steal half of a Pop-Tart, one graham cracker and two pieces of a doughnut. They have gnawed the paint off the storage closet door, trying to get to the peanuts. 
Raccoons and opossums have also chosen my address. They arrive with families in tow, ask me for condiments and then shamelessly tear into my trash cans. 


But I can’t be mean to them. And they obviously know that. 


Last night when a palmetto bug the size of a hamster started dive-bombing my face, I finally lost all patience.


“Knock it off,” I hissed. 


“Never,” the giant bug said with a laugh.


“I mean it, you little terrorist,” I shouted. “I will light up your life with my flip-flop if you don’t get going.” 


“Never,” he reiterated. And wham, he kamikazeed my face and buzzed under my hair.  


Well yes, that freaked me out. Yes it did. I jumped like my hair was on fire and batted at the air until the bad bug left my messy tresses and landed on my keyboard. 


“Good times,” he grinned and crossed all those creepy legs. 


“Fine,” I sighed. “You can have the porch to yourself. I’m going to bed.”


This morning I found ants from 13 counties. They were swimming in dribbles of spilled Pepsi, lounging on dropped chips and hauling away toast crumbs. 


“Are you ... uh ... here to stay?” I asked.


“Probably,” one of them smiled.


“I kinda guessed that,” I said with an eye roll. “Well ... can I get you anything?”


“I don’t think so,” another ant said. “You’re so messy, I think we’re good for a few days.”


Coner, a long-time humor columnist and former Southsider, resides in southwest Florida. To learn more about her books and blog, visit www.sherriconer.com. 


4 Comments
joyce link
7/17/2014 06:53:18 am

Love her & her columns!! Such a talented lady!!

Reply
Kathy Willman
7/17/2014 07:47:11 am

Love this article. Sheri is such a entertaining writer, good to be able
to read her stories once more.

Reply
Debbie Higdon
7/17/2014 11:04:59 am

Omgsh Sherri's humorous way with words is nothing less than AWESOME! Love my darlin' friends column & of course her too...lol

Reply
Suzan
7/18/2014 03:37:59 am

I loved this and it is so true. My one year in Florida was very similar. But we had an infestation of huge spiders you could hear crawling across our dishes in the cabinet. One totally covered our soap dish and one took up residence in the laundry room to where even my husband refused to enter. You could feel his eyes on you as he sat above the door.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Archives

    March 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

 DROP OFF: The Toy Drop 6025 Madison Ave., Suite D
Indianapolis, IN  46227  |  317-781-0023
MAILING ADDRESS: P.O. Box 17187, Indianapolis, IN 46217

ads@southsidervoice.com | news@southsidervoice.com
Website by IndyTeleData, Inc.