Right about now a lot of Hoosiers are downright hateful, aren’t they?
This sticky midsummer heat makes everybody hate everything.
Yes, lots of red-faced Indiana residents are just straight up babies about trying to survive these sauna-like temperatures.
Not me, though. I’m in love with the heat.
I have quickly learned though, that I need to keep my big hot-day-loving mouth shut. Why? Because if I say something joyful about a steamy morning, other people hate my guts and throw their stinky wet socks in my direction.
I am now a closet heat addict. I keep my obsession secret. I only say what is appropriate to the weather whiners.
But you can bet that a perspiration-loving party is going on in my head.
Today I will share with you what I secretly think about during interactions with heat haters.
A couple of days ago one of my neighbors made a sad face and said, “The driver’s seat in my car is insanely hot!”
“Maybe you should put a towel on the car seat,” I said nicely.
But in my head, I said, “Oh wah, baby butt. You deserve some heat on your hind end for blasting Metalica at all hours. I’m glad your butt is burned. I mean really glad.”
Let me also say that some women absolutely do not dress appropriately for these scorcher days.
As much as we might want to let it all hang out, Lord knows we should have enough sense not to do it.
I study my chosen attire in the mirror.
If my top shows off the tube of lard between my rib cage and my pelvic bones, I realize that I should hide that stuff with a shroud. From everyday experiences with my own darn lard tube, I know that when I sit down, that lard roll becomes a lard blob.
At the grocery store I tried my best not to watch a woman remove items from her cart for the cashier. But I couldn’t stop my eyeballs from gluing themselves to her chest. It’s not because I no longer have boobs, either. OK? I could not stop staring because her long, free mammary glands swung perfectly like pendulums.
“Oh my gosh, it is just miserably hot,” the woman said as she stood up and stretched. “I am wearing the least amount of clothing as possible, and I still can’t stand this heat.”
“Umm hmm,” I nodded, again trying to remove my eyes from her chest.
But I was thinking, “Nobody wants to see your braless torpedoes. Fold those puppies up and put them away.”
The other day I thought I had discovered Big Foot. Never have I seen such a hairy back on a man. Personally, I love hairy guys. But when there’s enough hair there for a couple of ponytails, it is time to address the tresses.
I will bet that in this heat, spouses threaten each other with divorce. There’s no spooning allowed when body heat messes with these hot temperatures.
No one wants to cook or clean or move around very much.
While so many people are inside their homes boo-hooing about the hotness, I am driving around with my windows rolled down and my Prince compact disc blasting.
Oh, and my lard tube is covered up too.