I own two pairs of shorts. One pair, I only wear to the beach since they are inappropriately short. And the other pair, which is at least 20 years old, is worn out and too big. But that’s just how I roll since I also hate clothes shopping as much as I hate grocery stores.
Anyway, as I made my way across the parking lot with my two bags of stuff, I felt the waistband of the shorts slip south. But I have a fat fringe where my waist used to be, so I assumed the shorts would be held up by the fat, kind of like a hat on a hook.
The shorts suddenly just fell.
As in OFF.
Almost to my knees.
With the grocery bags in my hands, I panicked, of course. I definitely was not in the mood to show off my polka-dot panties. So I bent over, grabbed the waistband and yanked the shorts up so fast that I made myself dizzy.
I’m really too old for a sudden move like that, you know.
Anyway, I managed to get to my car without involuntarily mooning anybody. I also made it into the house, fully dressed, and assumed that my accidental striptease was the only near-disaster for the day.
Umm, wrong again.
Around 8 p.m, a huge storm rolled through, which made me insanely happy since I am in love with storms. However, during this storm a big bolt of lightning struck somewhere, shaking the house and making me almost pee my pants. And then the power was suddenly gone.
Did I mention that I hate the dark as much as I hate stores?
I hate the dark so much that I keep big monster flashlights in every room. But guess what? Except for one, with a dim beam, all the others were deader than doornails.
My only other source of light was this contraption that one of my girlfriends gave me, which you wear on your head. It makes me look like a cyclops on my way to work in a coal mine. But hey, it was a light and that was the priority. Since I had no idea how long the battery would last, I kept it turned off until I was close to a full-blown freak-out from not being able to see my hand in front of my face.
Just when I decided to grab my pillow and blanket, drive down to the fire department and beg to stay there until daylight, the power was back.
And yes, after all of that excitement, I need a nap.