Me: “Why can you aim your gun at a deer but you can’t pee in the toilet instead of the floor?”
Me: “Stop rubbing your sock feet together like you’re a cricket.”
Ex: “I’m not.”
Me: “Yes. You. Are. Stop it right now before I cut both your feet off.”
Me: “Why do you blow your nose into your hands in the shower? Why do you burp so loudly that the neighbors can hear? Why do you spit? And why didn’t you ever tell me that you were actually raised in a cave, by wild pigs?”
Me: “I know what I cooked for supper.”
Ex: “What? What are you talking about?”
Me: “I said that I know what I cooked. That means you don’t have to chew with your mouth open and show the meal to me.”
Ex: “Sherri, if you lost about 10 pounds, you’d be just about perfect.”
Me: “Really? Well, if you grew some hair on your head, you would too.”
Ex: “Sherri, you never want to have sex. And I’m sick of it.”
Me: “Oh yes I do. I just don’t want to have sex with you.”
Me: “Well ... because I hate you. Don’t you remember? I told you a few days ago that I hate your guts. Now why in the world would I have sex with someone who gags me?”
Ex: “Sherri, I want a divorce.”
Me: “Really? Me too.”
Ex: “Sherri, I only said that to get your attention. I don’t really want a divorce.
Me: “Well I do everything but wipe your hind end for you. If I were you, I wouldn’t leave me either.”
Let’s not forget some of the cute little physical activities that take place behind married doors:
• The wife shoving her fingers up her snoring husband’s nostrils.
• The wife slamming her spouse’s supper plate on the table because he didn’t call home to say he would be late.
• The wife hiding the purchases of her latest shopping spree under the bed.
• The husband making the bed look like it has three dead bodies in it so he will never be asked again to make it.
• The husband guzzling directly from the milk jug while his wife is in the shower.
• The husband blaming the kids for the mud he tracked through the kitchen.
• The husband pretending to be in a coma when his wife asks him to check on the kids.
• The wife kicking the husband under the table ... for far too many reasons to list here.
A former Southsider and an award-winning journalist and humor writer, Sherri Coner resides in southwest Florida. To learn about her books for women and to join her on Facebook, visit www.sherriconer.com. She also speaks to women’s groups.