For years I’ve cringed when I find the dreaded family update inside a Christmas card. Cute pictures are always included, too. Everybody has undergone teeth whitening before posing for the camera while wearing ridiculous matching holiday sweaters. Those shiny Donny Osmond-looking mouthfuls of sparkling pearly whites temporarily blind me.
I’m sick of how they brag about their vacation pictures, too.
“Hello everyone, here we are in Bali,” is written on the back of a picture that Thelma tucks inside the card.
I want to inject some reality there ... and respond with, “Well, here I am at the local fish fry.” “Here’s a fun selfie at the Laundromat,” and “See me over here by the crime scene tape? What an adventure in my neighborhood!”
I can’t take it when people dishonestly highlight their scandelous family members.
“Our Donald was busy this year, doing volunteer work.”
“Really? That’s what we call a year of incarceration these days? For failure to pay child support? When did the volunteer stuff occur? Our Donald taught a fellow inmate to play a card game?”
“Our Missy just blessed us with another grandchild,”
“What’s that make now, 17 kids that your Missy has brought into the world? That chick uses her uterus a lot more than she ever used her brain.”
“We apologize that we have no photos to share of our Stephen. But he’s doing well, living in South Florida.”
“Stop it, liar head Thelma. We all know that your Stephen lost a couple of body parts, gained new ones and goes by Stephanie these days.”
“Here we are, feeding the homeless on Thanksgiving Day.”
“Good thing homeless people are only hungry one day of the year, Thelma. You big saint.”
“After 40 years of marriage, Herb and I enjoyed some alone time. We took separate vacations!”
“Really? Yours might have been alone, Thelma, you clueless girl. But Herb was in Vegas with that little Twinkie from the Moose Lodge.”
“This is a fun picture, too! We’re letting our hair down at a tiki bar!”
“That’s not all you’re letting down, Thelma. Pull up your shirt! And just a little FYI, you shouldn’t wear a tube top if you’re over the age of 12.”
And then I read, “This holiday season we’re turning our backs on the commercialism of the season. We are not buying gifts.”
“Nice spin on the situation, Thelma. Herb got popped for embezzlement. Your money bought an attorney a new boat.”
“We wish all of you a happy holiday!”
“Knock it off, Thelma. Around these parts, we don’t worry about the politically correct stuff. We say merry Christmas, especially to those tight-lipped people who don’t want us to.”
So anyway, sweet people, here’s my Christmas greeting to all of you: Be who you really are this December and every month after that, too! May we believe in and live the spirit of Christmas every single day of the year.
A former Southsider and an award-winning journalist and humor writer, Sherri Coner resides in southwest Florida. To learn about her books for women and to join her on Facebook, visit www.sherriconer.com.
I’m sick of how they brag about their vacation pictures, too.
“Hello everyone, here we are in Bali,” is written on the back of a picture that Thelma tucks inside the card.
I want to inject some reality there ... and respond with, “Well, here I am at the local fish fry.” “Here’s a fun selfie at the Laundromat,” and “See me over here by the crime scene tape? What an adventure in my neighborhood!”
I can’t take it when people dishonestly highlight their scandelous family members.
“Our Donald was busy this year, doing volunteer work.”
“Really? That’s what we call a year of incarceration these days? For failure to pay child support? When did the volunteer stuff occur? Our Donald taught a fellow inmate to play a card game?”
“Our Missy just blessed us with another grandchild,”
“What’s that make now, 17 kids that your Missy has brought into the world? That chick uses her uterus a lot more than she ever used her brain.”
“We apologize that we have no photos to share of our Stephen. But he’s doing well, living in South Florida.”
“Stop it, liar head Thelma. We all know that your Stephen lost a couple of body parts, gained new ones and goes by Stephanie these days.”
“Here we are, feeding the homeless on Thanksgiving Day.”
“Good thing homeless people are only hungry one day of the year, Thelma. You big saint.”
“After 40 years of marriage, Herb and I enjoyed some alone time. We took separate vacations!”
“Really? Yours might have been alone, Thelma, you clueless girl. But Herb was in Vegas with that little Twinkie from the Moose Lodge.”
“This is a fun picture, too! We’re letting our hair down at a tiki bar!”
“That’s not all you’re letting down, Thelma. Pull up your shirt! And just a little FYI, you shouldn’t wear a tube top if you’re over the age of 12.”
And then I read, “This holiday season we’re turning our backs on the commercialism of the season. We are not buying gifts.”
“Nice spin on the situation, Thelma. Herb got popped for embezzlement. Your money bought an attorney a new boat.”
“We wish all of you a happy holiday!”
“Knock it off, Thelma. Around these parts, we don’t worry about the politically correct stuff. We say merry Christmas, especially to those tight-lipped people who don’t want us to.”
So anyway, sweet people, here’s my Christmas greeting to all of you: Be who you really are this December and every month after that, too! May we believe in and live the spirit of Christmas every single day of the year.
A former Southsider and an award-winning journalist and humor writer, Sherri Coner resides in southwest Florida. To learn about her books for women and to join her on Facebook, visit www.sherriconer.com.
RSS Feed