Some tips for men:
Don’t buy your little honey bun anything that plugs in. It is unromantic, unimaginative and lazy.
Don’t go for grocery store flowers, cheap chocolate or cheap wine, either.
Do not … I repeat … do not pick out a humorous Valentine’s Day card. She will hate the ground you walk on. She wants a gushy, mushy card that drips of everything gooey and heartsick.
And here’s the biggest little dirty secret about women.
They want a gift they can brag about … such as jewelry.
Surprise her with a gorgeous bracelet or incredible earrings that she can show off to her girlfriends and you’re good for at least six months.
By the way, when you consider popping that big question, choose the largest honker diamond for her left ring finger.
But don’t ever actually propose on Valentine’s Day.
That idea is just too overdone.
She will hate you again for being unromantic, unimaginative and lazy.
Women want you to say things like, “Darling, this ruby necklace was made especially to sparkle around your lovely neck, against your porcelain skin. I don’t mind at all that I have to eat Ramon noodles for a month just to pay it off. You are worth every hunger pang I will endure.”
But you have to refrain from burping and picking your teeth when you recite those profoundly romantic words.
Tips for women:
For just one lousy day out of the year, guys want their women to just zip it about all the projects they have yet to either start or finish. They want to mold all day in the recliner and hear nothing but the sound of ESPN in the background.
Men yearn to find a sweet little note attached to their six-pack of beer, a little note that simply reads, “Don’t forget to attend the Valentine’s Day bonfire.”
With a smile from ear to ear, guys want to anticipate all day how that moment will play out and what it will mean to them for the rest of the calendar year.
Of course, they want to attend the bonfire. They have dreamed about it for too many years to even count.
Oh yes, men want to enjoy the burning crackle of every single pair of sweat pants, yoga pants and oversized T-shirts being burned to a crisp.
On Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year, men want their women to be dressed like arm candy, as interested in their men as they were before they were given the big honker diamond ring.
Anything less than that, they will see as unromantic, unimaginative and lazy.