Here’s a list of some of the ways I applied my brand of torture:
• I dyed every single pair of one ex husband’s underwear a nice soft shade of pastel pink.
• I added salt to the sugar bowl so his coffee always tasted like a java-flavored pretzel.
• One ex had a favorite pair of shoes. I threw the left one in a trash can at Walmart, and he looked for that shoe for several months ….until I got the money together to fly the coop.
• Another ex had a beloved sports car with side mirrors that were difficult to adjust. Every time he was mean to me, I sneaked out to the garage and twisted those side mirrors until they were facing heaven.
• Because I love a bargain, I used to buy meat that was marked down. I accidentally gave an ex food poisoning that way. He was as sick as a dog all night. But soon after that incident I discovered that he deserved all the puking. So my guilt was instantly gone.
• When one ex husband’s girlfriend had the nerve to call the house, I answered the phone (while he had a little heart attack in the background) and asked her if she knew he had seven children to support, plus a bad employment history since he got out of prison. And no, none of that info was true.
• One husband always came home late with a blinding headache. I strongly suspected that it was due to the side effects of Viagra. So when he asked me for aspirin, I gave him vitamins instead.
• I invested in a wig and big sunglasses and borrowed cars to tail one of my exes. I still don’t know how I managed to control my overwhelming desire to play demolition derby in the motel parking lot.
• When I heard my ex coming into the house, I turned up the TV show “Snapped” and pretended to take notes. In case you’ve never seen the show, it’s about women who lose their minds and kill their cheating, liar-head husbands.
Enough time has now passed. Thank goodness it doesn’t break my heart anymore to think back on the deep pain of betrayal and deceit. Don’t judge me, please. But I kinda loved that fight-fire-with-fire feeling. Being wicked toward someone who definitely deserved it was deliciously fun. It puts a little skip in my step to think back on the bad stuff and see that I not only survived it, I can even laugh about it now.